Yesterday was another check up. I looked. He said there's only one 'oozy' spot on the index finger that needs looking after. It's ugly. It was time, he said, that i change my own dressings at home. i could get em wet, clean em off and such. then pat em dry and re-dress. "oh yea, shower with em off and get em all nice and wet."

so this morning i embarked on the mission of changing them myself. the ring and long went well. did those at the same time. then it was mr index's turn. i got as far as the tip. then, i noticed the wire moving. holy shit that was scary. mom called up the doc. 'well, maybe it's just the white cap that's moving' i say. try it some more. nope. it's the pin. i could feel it moving too....inside my bone. great. my life is ruined. this is terrible. i had to get off as much band-aid as possible. then i re-bandaged the oozy part. then put some gause over the pin. and tape over the gause as to hold the pin in. it was quite nerve-racking.

at the doctors i tried to undo it myself. i trusted no one playing with a pin in my finger while i'm not on anesthesia. so i cant get the band-aid off entirely myself, so schingo helps but takes it off in such a way that it got caught up with the pin cap and band-aid that was on it. it was moving back n forth while he was doing this, mind you. so then it was all off. he wiggled it. "yep, it's loose." then pulls this 2 to 2.5 inch pin out of my finger. yea, that was def. fun. you should try it. go ahead. im telling you, there's nothing like it.

so now i have some cheap ass finger splint on the finger upside down in an attempt to stabilize it. yea, that feels sturdy. what about when i have to take it off to change the bandage? my finger's f'in fragile....you were the ones telling me about how it'd be limp without something because of the loss of bone.

i would say 'my ass' here, but it's my finger.

I had some stitches out yesterday. that was plenty painful. i dont know why but i got light headed. mentally, i can take it. my body just cant. i guess it has something to do with low blood pressure and everything with my mono history. that reminds me: my pulse in the ER was 55.


i wanna cry. i'm not sure why. is it becayse things are good?. or bad. or both. i guess things are decent. i can manage to do a lot by myself. but not necessarily what i'd like. i cant make that film that i wanted to do. i cant practice my music very well; only piano...one handed...plus a finger.

i wonder what its going to be like when i see the outcom of this. i'll have a deformed hand. i never wanted that. though i never asked for life either.

i dont know how it is that when i see soomething that i sio badly want to do...and know i cant. i suppose i just forget about it. sometimes things i used to be able to do in seconds are taking me many minutes to complete. some things i just plainly have to have others do.

i haven't gotten out. yesterday was the doctor. we stopped at union to see the dorm building. and got food at dunkin donuts. then saratoga with britt. border's. it;s tough to browse, with one hand. not as entertaining. i got frustrated, fed up and left. panera. best buy. i wanted to look at the rebel xt but holding it now wont be like holding it in four months. i'll never hold it like i would have a month ago. that's depressing. i'll have this _forever_. like sandlot. forever.

am i gonna be able to play my instruments as well? what about typing. my camera. how long until i can put normal force on my fingers in order to find out.


i want to get in touch with my past.

I don't know if i've mentioned, but just band-aids on ring/middle. plus gause to cover up the ugliness. the index has the original small yellow-type gause, then regular gause. then a plastic splint type thing. it's shaped like a thimble with four corners that go up along the finger. the tube gause. the splint and tube gause keeps coming off at night (last night and the night before).

today we go back at 1:30.

Before my left hand, and basically arm, was nearly useless. now i have more use. i can use the thumb and pinky. sometimes i can push a piece of paper between my thumb and index, if i cant do it lightly enough. turn door knobs with the thumb and pinky hurts, it seems to pull on (the stitches maybe?) the middle/ring fingers.

it;s still aggravating. reaching absent-mindedly for something with my left hand. or thinking the bandage is something im holding in my left hand, and trying to switch it to my right (sometimes trying again immediately afterwards thinking perhaps i can't get a good grip).

yesterday was the second checkup. i looked a bit, it's quite ugly. apparrently dr schingo cut off some 'dead' skin at some point. it certainly didn't feel like dead skin. this time theres no big hand badage. in fact, just band-aids on the ring and middle. but i covered it with more gayse because it's so ugly looking.

it's difficult to sleep with this. hard to find the right position. i've been waking up with a sore, dry throat.

i need to finish recording stuff for ninja attack, but i know it;s going to be very difficult and frustrating. i'm not able to drive to the others to do the recording because it's just too much work. we'll try to have them here.

it was suggested to me to start a journal about the incident i've been involved in. a few background information:

incident occurred 07/28 at approximately 11:30am
stitches in the er for middle and ring finger about 2:30 / st clare's hospital, schenectady, ny
plastic surgery for index finger approximately 5:00 by dr. schingo and dr. fox

08/02 8:50
checkup with dr schingo, re-bandage


you will notice i'm typing without caps. i'm typing with one hand which is difficult, though i guess it is faster, probably, than some people two handed.


college starts in less than a month. if i have to do this with one hand, it;s going to be very difficult. even so, my outlook on everything is so changed it's going to be difficult.



i guess this post should cover some things that happened previously.

sunday was my graduation party. there were so many people that some i didnt even get a chance to greet. with such a big thing having happened to me just a few days before the party, i was somewhat out of touch with things. for instance: someone showed me their new cell phone, i barely remember it. many other things i remember vaguely as well. usually i remember things extremely well, sometimes too well. some may argue it's the lortab. but even now when i'm barely using it, i have the same tyoe of memory experiences. i know my body and my mind very well. enough to be in touch with what drugs to do them. my lack of memory is due in fact to the thoughts and drama of the ordeal and not of the drug.

im talking to brittney. plus writing seems to help. until next time

-the hand of dooser