I had some stitches out yesterday. that was plenty painful. i dont know why but i got light headed. mentally, i can take it. my body just cant. i guess it has something to do with low blood pressure and everything with my mono history. that reminds me: my pulse in the ER was 55.


i wanna cry. i'm not sure why. is it becayse things are good?. or bad. or both. i guess things are decent. i can manage to do a lot by myself. but not necessarily what i'd like. i cant make that film that i wanted to do. i cant practice my music very well; only piano...one handed...plus a finger.

i wonder what its going to be like when i see the outcom of this. i'll have a deformed hand. i never wanted that. though i never asked for life either.

i dont know how it is that when i see soomething that i sio badly want to do...and know i cant. i suppose i just forget about it. sometimes things i used to be able to do in seconds are taking me many minutes to complete. some things i just plainly have to have others do.

i haven't gotten out. yesterday was the doctor. we stopped at union to see the dorm building. and got food at dunkin donuts. then saratoga with britt. border's. it;s tough to browse, with one hand. not as entertaining. i got frustrated, fed up and left. panera. best buy. i wanted to look at the rebel xt but holding it now wont be like holding it in four months. i'll never hold it like i would have a month ago. that's depressing. i'll have this _forever_. like sandlot. forever.

am i gonna be able to play my instruments as well? what about typing. my camera. how long until i can put normal force on my fingers in order to find out.


i want to get in touch with my past.